Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Old Puppy Love...

MAN, I just recently talked to a friend of mine two nights ago about our "past". Yeah, you guessed it...we were an "item". Yet we labeled ourselves as "MU" or for those of you who are not pinoys...this means mutual understanding...yeah yeah, so there's nothing like that in American standards of dating, but whether we wanted to or not, we were really a couple. and I bet most of you are wondering who I am talking about...alright, it's my childhood friend named..you guessed it..Rj...this label of "MU" all started our senior year of highschool, it didnt last long because I was the one who ended it..it was difficult for me to let him "go" at first, seeing as that I am a girl, very emotional, and yes, I've had these puppy love feelings for this person for the longest time ever, but I was still able to overcome it all. With all the Lord's help...trust me..this took a lot of sacrifice, a lot of prayer...although I was only 18 going on 19, I seriously thought he would be the "one". I mean since I know him well, he knew me well...his family knew my family...we were together for almost every occassion..yadi yada...we grew up with each other since we were about six or seven...but still I shouldn't have thought that way at all..it was actually silly of me to even think that. I was only in highschool anyhow...well anyways, to make things short, one day I cut up all of our pictures that brought memories of our "relationship". I cut up every letter that I had saved, every little thing that reminded me of him, my feelings for him, and even though it hurt, I knew I had to. I decided to tell Rj what I did to all of our pictures, even the first picture that we ever took together, thats when we first met each other, when I first moved here to Tampa...well. he asked me why I did that, I told him that I just had to. But I realized that I didnt tell him the whole truth...I actually made a commitment to date God and to wait on Him. I realized I wasn't in season to be in this "relationship". My flesh interrupted my walk with God. It became soo hard to concentrate on things. He'd be on my mind 24/7..literally...I couldn't eat right, I could'nt sleep...I'd wait for him to call me and I would stay on the phone for hours just talking to him about anything...I couldn't let the day go by without hearing his voice, or getting some form of e-mail, or IM...I ended up idolizing this guy. That's why I had to loose everything that I had that brought back my feelings for him. I gave up a little gold pin that he bought me that symbolized his feelings for me. Although it was just a pin and not a ring or bracelet, it still meant a lot to me. Though some of you are probably thinking, nah, you should have just kept it and prayed that God will help you get through it...that way you have something to look at in the future...well at least that's what I was told before from a friend of mine...and Rj even told me that so much good came from it all, but in all actuality, I was fading away...I felt that my whole world was starting to revolve around him, and I felt soo nasty, so disobedient to my God. I knew I had to give up my feelings. My puppy love had blossomed into deeper feelings that I couldn't control until I gave it up to God. Thats really what I did. I sacrificed what I felt for this person, in order for me to break free from the bondage. Elizabeth Elliot says "God gives us material for sacrifice...Our offerings to Him may very likely be seen as senseless or even fanatical, but He receives them." and I used to think that after I sacrifice my feelings for Rj, that God will bring him back to me at the right time, at the right season. Well that showed that I didn't really give it all. I was still holding onto my feelings. In order for me to have sacrificed it all, I would have just trusted God that he will take care of my feelings, he will take care of my future. Elizabeth Elliot also says "What will He do with these offerings? Never mind. He knows what to do."

Well, I was told that night not to look at the "shoulda", "coulda", "wouldas"...and that's not what I was doing...that's not that I was trying to say or tell him when I told him about it all..I'm not thinking...what if I would have saved everything...it would have been more sentimental in the future...maybe I should have saved everything...just in case we do get back "together"...NOO! not at all.. but really if I did that...I would still be in bondage...

Frankly, at this point in time, I am afraid of stepping into a relationship because all that I really want is to wait for the Lord to direct me, and if I stepped into a relationship right now, I would end up feeling that it's all my flesh. I just really want to be in season...and I know the Lord will let me know when I am. Now is not the time... I know that whoever it is that the Lord will direct me to be with, I won't have that feeling of uncertainty...because whatever is of God is settled and fear and doubt is not from the Lord...

well, I gotta go....goodnight to everyone...and on the lighter side of things...the first day of fall starts tomorrow...yipppee..that means I'm getting closer to my birthday!

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